My new theme song

Life sucks right now.

Had a depresso-day this week – my brother & sister-in-law ditched a Skype date with me, skipped a class, small group, volunteer ESL, and like 10 calls from my mom. Watched Scrubs and this song was the only thing that got me going for Wednesday:

After all we’re only human,

always fighting what we’re feeling,

hurt instead of healing,

after all we’re only human,

is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Jon Mclaughlin – Human

Wednesday: showed up for a job interview and found out I’m totally underqualified. Showed up at another job place to follow up and found out they’d decided last week, sent out an e-mail and then got defensive when I said I hadn’t received it. (Then they ’re’-sent it to me – just what I wanted, to get rejected in person and through email.) Had a dog adoption place send me a rejection letter (no, hey why don’t you meet the dog? no, can we talk to you? no, maybe you should look for another dog?) [apparently, I’m not what they want in a prospective dog owner – and I know they don’t want these dogs to be abused, but to be rejected by a homeless dog?] Spent the evening facing American segregation and the genocide in Cambodia (I attended the opening of the Facing History & Ourselves exhibit here in DC – and considering the fact I’ve visited memorials built from the bones of those killed in Cambodia, yeah was emotional), which had a few highlights, but ended in a whole discussion of religious pluralism (which went all the way from ‘give bigotry no sanction’ to “There is no truth with a capital T, that’s what I tell all my students”), which reminded me yet again how though I love this field of opening dialogue with others and opening our mind to other ways, most people in it believe that relativism is the loftiest goal you can achieve in people.

And on, it goes. Got stood up by one person and then rescheduled by another two. Think I lost my roommate’s water bottle and permanently lost my gloves. And yay, now heading to a dialogue on race and what’s it like being white. Feel low and re-realizing that if I shut out the whole world, the only one who notices is my Mom.

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,

I can’t seem to get you off my mind,

all these ups and downs,

they trip up our good intentions,

nobody said this was easy ride.

-After all we’re only human,

always fighting what we’re feeling,

hurt instead of healing,

after all we’re only human,

is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

-Can we get back to the point of this conversation,

when we saw things through each others’ eyes,

cause now all I see is ruin and devastation,

we all need some place we can hide inside and

-I’m smart enough to know,

that life goes by,

and it leaves a trail of broken parts behind,

if you feel I’m letting go,

just give me time,

I’ll come running to your side

Humans have a problem with intimacy. Okay – so where is the life in this statement? I have people who’ve tried to comfort me by telling me that living intimately with God (daily-ish contact with God: prayer/reading my Bible/being with other Christians) is something everyone struggles with. So I should be content going days/weeks/months without, that the up-down, rocky road is just normal? I have a hard time accepting this.

I need life in this.

Because the alternative for me is to curl up in a ball, block out the world, and slowly drift away in resignation.

So I pour my heart out to a silent computer, wondering if anyone notices – because if they do, that’s painful; but if they don’t, it’s another nail in the coffin in a mind of condemnation.

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